Wednesday, April 17, 2013


(This is a working first draft.  Typos and bad writing abound, beware.)


You Suck:  As defined by Me.
A derogative slang term designed to imply that someone administers fellatio. The modern meaning Is that the person who sucks is less than adequate at a certain task or skill.
Example: “The author of this book sucks at making up definitions.”
If you the reader have decided to pick up this book (I know it looks more like a pamphlet but I am calling it a book), I am going to go out on a limb and say that you are under the impression that things are bad. At least bad in terms of how you see yourself or the life you are living.
First off, let me say that this book is not designed to motivate you. This is more about dissecting my own shortcomings and making myself feel better about it by pawning them off on you. This book is also about staring yourself in the face and recognizing that You Suck and that you have sucked long enough and then outlining some ideas about how to go about not sucking any longer.  If by chance this happens to motivate you then so be it.
Make no mistake, if you are reading this with a real hope that the life you have created can be recreated just because you read some words on a page, written by a guy who is not all that amazing at putting words on a page, then you have plenty of shortcomings.
I myself have never read a self-help book, and I have never attended any kind of motivational seminar that I was not made to.  And If I want to be brutally honest with you, I loath self help books and to some degree the people that love them.  I am not saying that they are all bad or that some do not find great benefit in them but they all scream of disingenuous canned garbage.  They are designed and redesigned a thousand times over to attract the consistently dissatisfied and lost consumer who is ever in need of a pep talk.  If I just described you and you have found yourself offended, being offended by something that is the obvious truth is the first issue you should work on.
According to, at the moment there are several thousand books dedicated to the art or self-help. I will say that probably none of them are going to tell you in no uncertain terms that you are not good enough.
 Not everyone responds well to being told they can do anything. That they are super duper special people who make the world shine. Sure it feels good to hear it, but for some people it does not help. For me, I need to hear the truth, and maybe the truth with a little negative lean on it.
The best pep talk I ever got was from my C Team basketball coach in eighth grade. I had tried out for the team and I did not make it. It was the first time I had ever not been good enough.  I was crushed and humbled and did not want to talk to anyone, much less the coach who had just tore my dreams to shreds.  But I had to know why. So I pulled myself together and asked the questions anyone who has ever been rejected by another person askes, WHY?
 His reply was not mean or meant to hurt but it was harsh.
“You are just not good enough. But you are not done growing, so go get better.” Was all he had to say to a pudgy fourteen year old kid. He was not being mean, he was being honest and I knew it.  
The Truth is, if you are motivated enough to spend money on a book and actually take the time to read it or go sit in a Marriot conference room on a Saturday afternoon of your own free will, listening to some big headed twat talk loud and excitedly about how you are really special and awesome then you are already motivated.
You desire something other than what you are or have. The problem is ( and I say this without a drop of animosity and all the sympathy in the world),  You probably suck in one or multiple important areas of life.
I do not mean that you are not a decent human or that you kick puppies and eat kittens. I mean, you are probably not that awesome at what you are currently doing and it drives you crazy.
With or without justification you feel that something in you deserves better than your current circumstances and this book along with many others is you’re half assed attempt at correcting it.
Now that everyone is warm and fuzzy we can move on.
If this was a Saturday afternoon at the azalea conference room at the Days Inn in Des Moines Iowa and I was speaking,  it would be at this point that someone who felt his or her money had been wasted would raise a hand and inquire as to how I was sure everyone here sucked.
My reply would be, you are here. You know that you are not where or what you want to be so lets stop pretending. From this point on I shall be going under the assumption that a large part of your lives has fallen beneath the cracks and been asphalted over.  I am sure there is the tourist among us, the rich, the successful, the content, even the self-help groupie that was able to make it work. But more than likely that is not you.
If you were hoping for some great selling techniques or twenty ways to organize your life then I am sorry. Talk to someone about getting your money back. See, that is a joke, you are not getting your money back. Let us consider it a life lesson and move forward.
If you are looking for affirmation, from a total stranger to make you feel really cool for being you? Then you will once again find the truth offers no refunds.
The Truth is only a path with the obstacles laid bare. You still have to walk it (Please take note. This last line sounds really good and I made it up all on my own and as far as I know I am the first one to say it and want all the credit.)
This is not the story of a man at the top, yelling down at you from a pinnacle of money, contentment and prestige. This is the story of the guy next to you, clawing his way, up and over his own flaws and shortcomings. It’s about the people I have seen climb up and over and what I saw as they went past me. It is about the ones who lay at the bottom wallowing and why they cannot seem to grasp that first hand hold.
It is my hope that this will be the last money you spend on trying to get motivated. I will probably in one way or another rehash all the good advice you have read in other books and maybe there will be an original idea or thought that you take to heart. Whatever little gem you manage to mine from this book to store along side all those other fantastic ideas and sayings, I want you to cling to one gleaming thought. The thought that almost anyone who has the freedom to do as she or he desires will get exactly what they want. You are plenty motivated to go after what you want, but you are conflicted on those wants. A part of you thinks that you should be successful, wealthy and proud of things you have accomplished. However if you were to take an honest look at your life at the moment, it should be obvious that you do not want those things at all. Nothing is stopping you from achieving all those goals you have probably written down on a sticky note that you have lost somewhere its just that you really want something else more.
You do not go seeking motivation to help you achieve what you want. You go seeking to be sold on what you think you want. So before we go any further, lets stop here for a moment and just settle this shit right here and now. Write it down, tattoo it on you’re ass, put a message in a bottle, whatever.
If what you really want is to sit around playing video games all day, figure out how to make it happen and get happy with it.  But if there are some real tangible things you want to achieve in this life and you are just not good enough, you are still growing. Go get better.

1 comment:

  1. I continue to be impressed with your nonfiction've got a natural knack for it...